Tag Line

I chose my tag line, underneath my blog's title, for a reason.  Much of my intention for my blog is to write about / wrestle with / learn about exactly *how* one goes about LIVING, when a very, very REAL part of them has DIED?

Of course, the question is rhetorical in nature.  I don't expect to be imparted with some Divine strike of lightening carrying with it the ultimate answer - although I suppose that I wouldn't be too opposed to that;)  

But really, I hope that writing my thoughts/feelings out and receiving feedback will be cathartic; and who knows? Maybe a Divine answer will be found, after all!

To a parent who's not lost a child, it's a difficult thing to explain exactly how it is that, for a season, the loss of your child is actually a BIGGER hole in your heart than the love that a mother has in her heart, for her living children.

It just is.  It doesn't mean that I love my children any less; or that I loved Emily Grace more.  Not at all.  It just means that the raw, open, gaping flesh wound in my heart was BIGGER, even more ACUTE than the depth of my unconditional love for our other 4.  

And, in my opinion, it's a part of the grieving process that one has to acknowledge; that one has to experience, in order to healthily move through that stage.

The best analogy that I can give for how it feels after such a tragic & unexpected loss of a child, is to say this:  

Imagine that someone has just sneaked up on you, and with no warning, with no chance to escape, with no anesthesia, they cut your leg off with a machete.  What the???  Where in the hell did THAT come from?!?!

Now, imagine that after this horrific accident, people tell you that you MUST stand up and you MUST walk!  No pain meds, no bandages, no nuttin'!

That is pretty much how I felt, for a long while, in the months/1st year after Emi died.  Now, please don't get me wrong -- there was no one who overtly lacked compassion for me.  Not at all.  People are SO well-intentioned and they truly do desire to help, to comfort, to love.  However, the truth remains, sometimes, there simply are NO WORDS that can be spoken that bring comfort or peace.  Regardless of how godly those words may be -- it really has less to do with the context of the words, and more to do with the depth of pain in the heart of a parent who is experiencing this loss.  

Oftentimes, what a grieving parent needs the most is simply this:  

• A hug 
• A shoulder to cry on
• Tender arms to hold her when she sobs
• Assurance of your ongoing prayers 
• An offer to watch her other children 
• A hot meal, cooked with love

I also need to add ~ God was absolutely, incredibly AMAZING & GRACIOUS to our family in our time of need!  He surrounded us with such loving, faithful friends.  These people (honestly, some whom we didn't even know - they heard of our loss through someone they knew) literally held us up in that 1st full year.  

5 weeks after Emi died, we had a house fire.  Yep! Crazy!  People were just awesome ~ there is no denying that we felt the love of Christ through so many; and that is a fact that we will never lose sight of!  ;)

Anyhoo, back to the awkward silence.  I have come to realize that scenario really makes many people feel awkward.  As my kids would say: "AwwwkWard!!!" ;)  They just aren't comfortable with silence, and so they try to fill that void - those seconds, those few moments - with *something*, anything.  And it's @ those times when truly good, truly loving, well-intentioned people can end up inadvertently saying things that are hurtful; things that wound and leave their mark for a long time.

If I may offer up some advice -- if you ever find yourself in the place of comforting a friend or family member who is grieving, understand that words are not always necessary.  Honestly.  Hug them.  Offer to pray with them.  Bring a meal.  Offer to make a grocery-run for them.  Sit with them on the couch and (if you're close enough to not feel awkward) rub their head, run your hands thru their hair.

I had a friend who actually did that for me!  So tenderly, so lovingly, so softly, she offered to come over and just SIT WITH ME.  She sat on the end of the couch and I laid my head in her lap.  She ran her fingers through my hair & massaged my temples.  She hummed some worship tunes.  So soothing.  So sweet.  So needed.  Thank you, JG;)  I hope you read this.

Whatever you do, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE DO  N*O*T  say (no matter how well-intentioned and pure in heart you are):  "You have other children to take care of - They need you!"  

Duh!  Really?  Trust me, a mom is well aware of this fact, but in the early days of shock & grief, those words bring NO comfort, whatsoever!  For me, I knew the heart of the friend who said it;) but I still struggled with it.  I felt guilty for not being "available" for my children.  I mean, they were grieving too, right?  They felt a tragic loss too, right?  Of course they did.  But no amount of guilt or "shoulds" will ease the pain or speed Mom through the grieving process!

And a process it is.  Elizabeth Kubler Ross is well-known for her model of "The 5 Stages of Grief" ~ And while each of the 5 elements are certainly accurate, what is often misunderstood is the order & the time frame in which each unique individual will experience & process their grief.  If someone, who's never experienced the death of a close family member or friend, was to seek validation for how they're feeling ("Am I normal?  Why am I stuck?  What's wrong with me?") and they stumble upon - or are directed toward by a Therapist - to "do it like this; this lady is a legend in the field of Psychology", in my personal experience, it will complicate the feelings of the grieving & likely cause one to become "stuck" in their grief.

I can only speak from my experience.  Of course, we are all different; and as different, unique creatures, no two experiences (good or bad) will ever be carbon copies.  What proved to be true in my experience is this:

• There is no proper or "right" way to grieve.
• There is no formula for how long your grief or stages of grief will last
• There are more days, than not, where you will feel ALL FIVE stages of grief, possibly 100x per day, and back again, sometimes in the course of 3 minutes!
• Until each aspect of grief has been adequately dealt with & allowed sufficient time to be worked through (seeing a Therapist was truly a huge part of my survival!) I promise that IT WILL COME BACK & rear it's ugly head, in some form or fashion, causing the grieving person to spiral deeper into depression +/or be more vulnerable to seeking out unhealthy ways to "medicate" & cope with the very deep, very real pain! 
• Words are optional.  Remember that sometimes the right words just cannot be found and THAT IS OK!!!!!  A hug, a prayer, an act of love & kindness can oftentimes speak volumes over the spoken word!
• If you encounter a mom who has lost a child, providing that the circumstances are appropriate,  DO NOT BE AFRAID TO TALK ABOUT THEIR CHILD/ASK QUESTIONS or SHARE MEMORIES ABOUT THE BEAUTY OR SILLINESS OF THEIR CHILD (Of course, it's never a bad idea to ask for permission - this also depends on how well you know her & the setting that you find yourself in). Many times, people assume that bringing up the name of the deceased child, or stirring up memories for the mom would bring MORE pain; but I can assure you - in my case & in the case of many grieving Moms that I've met along my journey - it is far more therapeutic and comforting to be able to TALK ABOUT HER CHILD; TELL STORIES OF HER CHILD; RECALL SWEET MEMORIES - because our child, although physically separated from us, WILL ALWAYS & FOREVER BE OUR CHILD!!!  WE WILL COUNT THEM, FOREVER, AS PART OF OUR FAMILY.  AND MANY MOMS WILL FOREVER INCLUDE THEIR DEPARTED CHILD IN THE "HEADCOUNT" OF THEIR CHILDREN. For example, when asked, I *always* say that I have 5 children.  Because I do.  I do.  And barring that God ever gives us more, I WILL ALWAYS HAVE 5 CHILDREN! ;)  
• If you are in the presence of a mom who's lost her child, and you hear someone ask her how many children she has - just don't be surprised if/when you hear her answer to include the departed child ~ because if the person asking doesn't know her +/or the question is asked in vague passing, I/She is not obligated, in any way, to explain my/her situation - "I have a total of 5 children, but only 4 living." or "I have 5 children, but our daughter is in Heaven."  I made this mistake in the very, very early days/weeks after Emi died.  People do seem to ask that question a LOT - "How many children do you have?" and for God-knows-what-reason, early on, I would drop the BOMB on whomever asked "Oh, we have 4 (Noah did not yet exist;) but our 2 1/2 year old daughter just died last week."  Seriously.  Sadly.  I did.  Mainly to people who were probably just making chit-chat, like the cashier @ Wal Mart!!  Ummm, WHAT?!?!  So, yes, I came to learn that it's my business and guess what??  I get to choose whom I tell and precisely how much I tell!! ;)

Well, that got a lot longer than originally intended.  Hugs & kudos to you if you've made it this far! ;)  Sometimes when I get to writing, I just go off on a tangent.  :O  I know, I know, that's pretty hard to believe, but it's true...LOL

After sharing all of this (and hopefully it was, in some small way, useful to you?), I want to tell you that I am completely & totally ok with answering any questions - be it about a mom's grief, our personal journey, the death of a child, how to change your car battery - whatever.  Just no Geometry questions, please! :P  Ok, maybe not the battery changing thing, either;)

Thanks for reading:)  Feel free to comment or question, about anything, below.

Until Next Time,

Love & Peace,

~Wen~